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Many people tell me that it is difficult to love themselves.  I agree, so let’s just drop that idea for right now and go with something different.  There are a lot of people, myself included, who were just born with the idea that they were not good enough.  For some, there were incidents, comments from others, and traumas that reinforced that idea and made it more concrete in the mind and in the heart.  For others, there is no evidence through what people thought of them or experiences that they had to secure the idea that they were not enough, were not worthy, did not deserve the life they had or wanted.  Psychologists can pinpoint how trauma and certain personality traits can lead a person to self-loathing or feelings of insecurity.  But what do you do when there is nothing to point to?  No trauma or bad experiences, no bullying or poor performance in life tasks?  Accept.  Yep, I said it.  Accept that there may not be a cause for why you feel the way that you do.  Then get off the track of trying to find the “why” of your feelings and get on track for doing something different.

So back to self-love.  Can a person really go from that deep default pattern of insecurity and not feeling good enough to developing a pattern of self-love?  Not sure, maybe.  But what if we just dropped that idea of self-love and went with self-compassion?  Can we learn to be compassionate with ourselves?  That I can answer.  And the answer is…yes! You know those old patterns of thought and stifling anxiety that show up when we are triggered? Those old patterns that we have used for all these years, that we know so well, that feel like they will not go away, yes those. When we feel or experience those old default patterns of unworthiness and insecurity we can practice compassion. We can meet our suffering with kindness and understanding, cooling the heat of our feelings of unworthiness.  For a lot of people these feelings of insecurity and unworthiness rise up when we are tired, sick, overwhelmed with other emotions, stressed- all of which are a form of suffering.  And when we suffer we can notice it, remind ourselves that lots of other people suffer (including myself), and then practice kindness to ourselves.

If this is something you could benefit from please join us at our next Mindful Self-compassion training. Join the rest of us as we learn to move past our insecurities and unworthiness.

There is a theme that runs through just about every story with every person who comes into my office for an individual session or for a group program: self-judgment.  We are always our own worst critics.   From beating ourselves up for something we have said or done to harassing ourselves to do better or be more productive.  It just seems to be a never-ending cycle, and a strain on our ability to move forward in life.  Sometimes when my inner critic gets fired up it seems like it may take days to get it to calm down again.

So why does this happen?  Well, Rick Hanson, PhD, describes it as a negativity bias.  Our brain naturally looks for the negative to keep us safe. Primitive man had to always be on the lookout for danger, to self, to food, to family.  This pattern has continued in our brains as we are always scouting out our surroundings looking for anything that may be unsafe.  But instead of being concerned that someone is going to run off with our newly caught and roasted pig, we are seeking anything that may harm our self-concept, our security in our relationships, etc.  And when we find something that we do not like we then tend to attack ourselves as the problem.  Berating ourselves has several positive aspects: we get to jump the gun just in case someone else plans to criticize us, that way it won’t hurt as badly.  We keep ourselves from expecting too much and therefore we are not disappointed with any outcome we achieve. Self-judgment also keeps us from being boastful and thinking too much of ourselves. And though these protective patterns work they also make us feel badly and keep us stuck.

So what to do?  Time to learn some mindful self-compassion.  Notice when you are judging yourself.  Remind yourself that just about every body on this planet practices this pattern from time to time, therefore you are not alone in this.  And finally speak kinder words to yourself and maybe even place a hand on your heart or across your arms, rubbing and soothing yourself.  Even our own physical touch will calm down the alarm system in our brains.  If you are a chronic self-judging person you may want to consider joining our 8 week Mindful Self-Compassion training.  We have these listed at centerformindbodyhealth.org.

Until then, may you find some kindness towards yourself!

Part 3 in a series on anxiety. People have thoughts, lots of them.  It is estimated that people generate about 20,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.  If you are female my guess is the higher number! ☺  When someone has anxiety think about how many of those thoughts are related to feeling insecure, anxious about taking a test or going someplace in public. Worry and distress are rampant, and can take over our lives in just a short time.  Good news, there is something you can do to help change your thoughts.  Bad news is it will require some energy and effort.  Here are some tips that I have used successfully with myself and with the people that I work with.  And yes, you read that right, with myself.  Just because I am a therapist doesn’t mean I never have anxiety or worry about things.

The Argument Method.  Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left side of the page write your anxious thought.  On the right side of the page write the argument to that thought, all the way down to the bottom.  This allows you to build up the rational side of your thinking.  Think about what others have said to you about that thought if you have trouble arguing with it.

“What does this mean?” Method.  Often times it is not the thought itself that is a problem but what it might mean about you or about the situation.  So write your anxious thought down, then ask, “”If this would be true, what does it mean?”  Then write that thought down, and again ask the same question.  Frequently this will lead to a deep belief that is troubling you.  You can then work on that belief.

“Is this really true or important?” Method.  My favorite question to ask is, “In 10 years will this really matter?”  Many times the answer is NO!  For example, kids worry about their test grades in high school.  And though it is important to do your best and work hard, it is not the end of the world when you make a poor grade.  I seriously have never had anyone ask me what grade I made on anything in high school, and that has been almost 40 years!  Again, we often attach ourselves to patterns or ideas that perpetuate our anxiety or worry.  Letting them go is not always easy, sometimes we have to put some elbow grease into them to get them to go away.

Being consumed by anxiety can go a lot deeper than just our thoughts.  If you are struggling please let me know.  Hopefully I can help you find greater peace.

It is hard to change paths.  Our minds can easily be set on a default pattern that continues on its’ own without any conscious effort on our part.  The brain is programmed for default patterns.  We like routine, we like structure.  But what do we do when that routine is not in our best interest?  How do we change the patterns?

I personally like studying the brain and the mind, how they intersect and how they connect and work side by side.  It was once thought that the brain was separate from the mind, like a physical organ that the mind simply moved around.  However, science is showing us that they are not as separate as once thought.  The thoughts and emotions that we have are as much a part of the physical organ of the brain as they are in the mind.

So where does one start and the other begin?  I believe we will know more about that in times to come.  What we do know is that the brain is very neuro-plastic, meaning it can bend and change.  It is adaptable, malleable, and responsive to the power of the mind.  Now that we know that we realize that neuro-pathways can be altered as well.

I like to use the analogy of walking down a path in the forest over and over again.  It is so worn that nothing grows there any longer and the rain runs off like it is cement.  We do the same things over and over and those paths become default.  For example, we have the same emotional reactions to the same triggers.  We have the same thoughts when someone treats us a certain way.  But with intention and practice we can change that course and turn our thoughts and emotional patterns as well as our behaviors down a new path.  Once we do this over and over the path becomes clear and well-worn.  Usually the old path can still be seen yet it is overgrown and no longer a path of choice.

So I would encourage you to practice a new path, turn your mind, respond differently with intention, and see what path lies ahead for you.

Each day we have suffering of some sort or another.  Each day contains its’ own challenges, and carries its’ own burdens.  And each day gives us opportunity to continue in our path of troubles or to create a new experience of being kind to ourselves.

According to research most of us find it really easy to be kind to others and we find it very difficult to be kind to ourselves.  Yet if we practice self-kindness and compassion in small doses each day it has a cumulative effect of cultivating greater compassion in our lives.  And as we are more compassionate with ourselves we develop a more meaningful experience with being compassionate towards other people.

In the Mindful Self-Compassion training, a program developed by Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, we learn that daily practice of self-compassion can be learned and developed.  There are some easy ways that we can be kind to ourselves each day:

• Taking time to notice the pain that we are experiencing emotionally and then being kind by talking to ourselves like we might talk to a friend.
• We can use a softer, more gentle tone and then perhaps use works that are kind and understanding rather than harsh and self-critical.
• We can also place our hands in a soothing touch, placing them over your heart for instance, and allow ourselves to be soothed by the warmth of our own hands.
• We can take breaks in the day and allow time for relaxation or meditation.  These breaks do not have to be 45 minutes long to receive benefits.  Sometimes just some slow breaths with our hands on our hearts, allowing ourselves to be just who we are in this moment is enough to reduce suffering, even if it is only for that moment.

Each time that we offer ourselves a break to approach any challenge or personal suffering with compassion and kindness reduces stress and allows us to open our hearts more to others and to new experiences.  May you show more compassion in your daily life towards yourself and watch how it grows towards others.

Part 2 in a series on Anxiety. I want to give you some suggestions for reducing your anxiety.  I know that it can be overwhelming when anxiety rushes in, but there are some things that can be useful to you in the moment as well as preventatively.  When therapists treat anxiety we tend to focus on some basic skills that can be addressed, then we move into more specific issues.

Here are the basics:

1. Reduce intake of caffeine and stimulants.
2. Eat healthy food and make sure you are not trying an all protein diet, you need carbohydrates to make your brain function properly.
3. Take 10-20 minutes each day to practice some relaxation or meditation.  You can do this in small increments of 5 minutes each. One long period would be useful as well.
4. Decrease time on electronics.  They tend to be over-stimulating, and reduce the amount of time you watch the news.  I would even recommend you skip the news.  If there is something really outstanding to know your friends and family will probably alert you.
5. Sleep 7-9 hours a day.  Take a nap if you can.
6. Exercise!  Walking for 15 minutes each day can significantly improve your brain functioning and lower your anxiety.
7. Eliminate alcohol or decrease it significantly.  Though it may feel relaxing in the moment, alcohol actually is a central nervous system depressant.  It doesn’t always increase your depression but it will depress the functioning of your brain.
8. Stay in touch with family and friends for support.  Make a list of those who you can talk to when you are upset.

Here are skills that can be used in the moment when anxiety arises:

• Read a book, watch a movie, go for a walk.   If you are at work go to the bathroom and sit for a moment while you practice some deep breathing.
• Call a friend and talk about something other than what is bothering you.
• Take long deep relaxing breaths, noticing how the air comes in with each inhale and leaves with each exhale.
• Intense exercise: run in place or do jumping jacks, this will override the emotion.
• Place your hand over your heart and feel the warmth and comfort this brings.  You may also want to follow that with a meditation to soothe you.
• Find a tea or another food item that you enjoy that you can use for soothing.
• Listen to soft relaxing music.
• Take a warm bath or shower.
• Snuggle up to a cozy pet.

When it comes to dealing with the anxiety-producing thoughts it is helpful to make a list of thoughts that occur when you are anxious.  Then spend some time changing those thoughts to something that is more reasonable or realistic.  This is where a good friend or a therapist can come in to help you identify those thoughts and make them more effective and rational.

For long-term more significant help, we suggest meditation and mindfulness. One of my favorite programs is Mindful Self-Compassion.  This has been researched to show the effectiveness for anxiety.  And it is a lovely way to decrease depression and insecurity.

Some of my favorite books related to changing thoughts about anxiety are:

Mind Over Mood, by Dennis Greenberger, PhD and Christine Padesky, PhD

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne, PhD

Let me know if you need more ideas.  I am always happy to help!