Gwen Brehm

There is a theme that runs through just about every story with every person who comes into my office for an individual session or for a group program: self-judgment.  We are always our own worst critics.   From beating ourselves up for something we have said or done to harassing ourselves to do better or be more productive.  It just seems to be a never-ending cycle, and a strain on our ability to move forward in life.  Sometimes when my inner critic gets fired up it seems like it may take days to get it to calm down again.

So why does this happen?  Well, Rick Hanson, PhD, describes it as a negativity bias.  Our brain naturally looks for the negative to keep us safe. Primitive man had to always be on the lookout for danger, to self, to food, to family.  This pattern has continued in our brains as we are always scouting out our surroundings looking for anything that may be unsafe.  But instead of being concerned that someone is going to run off with our newly caught and roasted pig, we are seeking anything that may harm our self-concept, our security in our relationships, etc.  And when we find something that we do not like we then tend to attack ourselves as the problem.  Berating ourselves has several positive aspects: we get to jump the gun just in case someone else plans to criticize us, that way it won’t hurt as badly.  We keep ourselves from expecting too much and therefore we are not disappointed with any outcome we achieve. Self-judgment also keeps us from being boastful and thinking too much of ourselves. And though these protective patterns work they also make us feel badly and keep us stuck.

So what to do?  Time to learn some mindful self-compassion.  Notice when you are judging yourself.  Remind yourself that just about every body on this planet practices this pattern from time to time, therefore you are not alone in this.  And finally speak kinder words to yourself and maybe even place a hand on your heart or across your arms, rubbing and soothing yourself.  Even our own physical touch will calm down the alarm system in our brains.  If you are a chronic self-judging person you may want to consider joining our 8 week Mindful Self-Compassion training.  We have these listed at centerformindbodyhealth.org.

Until then, may you find some kindness towards yourself!

Part 3 in a series on anxiety. People have thoughts, lots of them.  It is estimated that people generate about 20,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.  If you are female my guess is the higher number! ☺  When someone has anxiety think about how many of those thoughts are related to feeling insecure, anxious about taking a test or going someplace in public. Worry and distress are rampant, and can take over our lives in just a short time.  Good news, there is something you can do to help change your thoughts.  Bad news is it will require some energy and effort.  Here are some tips that I have used successfully with myself and with the people that I work with.  And yes, you read that right, with myself.  Just because I am a therapist doesn’t mean I never have anxiety or worry about things.

The Argument Method.  Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left side of the page write your anxious thought.  On the right side of the page write the argument to that thought, all the way down to the bottom.  This allows you to build up the rational side of your thinking.  Think about what others have said to you about that thought if you have trouble arguing with it.

“What does this mean?” Method.  Often times it is not the thought itself that is a problem but what it might mean about you or about the situation.  So write your anxious thought down, then ask, “”If this would be true, what does it mean?”  Then write that thought down, and again ask the same question.  Frequently this will lead to a deep belief that is troubling you.  You can then work on that belief.

“Is this really true or important?” Method.  My favorite question to ask is, “In 10 years will this really matter?”  Many times the answer is NO!  For example, kids worry about their test grades in high school.  And though it is important to do your best and work hard, it is not the end of the world when you make a poor grade.  I seriously have never had anyone ask me what grade I made on anything in high school, and that has been almost 40 years!  Again, we often attach ourselves to patterns or ideas that perpetuate our anxiety or worry.  Letting them go is not always easy, sometimes we have to put some elbow grease into them to get them to go away.

Being consumed by anxiety can go a lot deeper than just our thoughts.  If you are struggling please let me know.  Hopefully I can help you find greater peace.

It is hard to change paths.  Our minds can easily be set on a default pattern that continues on its’ own without any conscious effort on our part.  The brain is programmed for default patterns.  We like routine, we like structure.  But what do we do when that routine is not in our best interest?  How do we change the patterns?

I personally like studying the brain and the mind, how they intersect and how they connect and work side by side.  It was once thought that the brain was separate from the mind, like a physical organ that the mind simply moved around.  However, science is showing us that they are not as separate as once thought.  The thoughts and emotions that we have are as much a part of the physical organ of the brain as they are in the mind.

So where does one start and the other begin?  I believe we will know more about that in times to come.  What we do know is that the brain is very neuro-plastic, meaning it can bend and change.  It is adaptable, malleable, and responsive to the power of the mind.  Now that we know that we realize that neuro-pathways can be altered as well.

I like to use the analogy of walking down a path in the forest over and over again.  It is so worn that nothing grows there any longer and the rain runs off like it is cement.  We do the same things over and over and those paths become default.  For example, we have the same emotional reactions to the same triggers.  We have the same thoughts when someone treats us a certain way.  But with intention and practice we can change that course and turn our thoughts and emotional patterns as well as our behaviors down a new path.  Once we do this over and over the path becomes clear and well-worn.  Usually the old path can still be seen yet it is overgrown and no longer a path of choice.

So I would encourage you to practice a new path, turn your mind, respond differently with intention, and see what path lies ahead for you.

Each day we have suffering of some sort or another.  Each day contains its’ own challenges, and carries its’ own burdens.  And each day gives us opportunity to continue in our path of troubles or to create a new experience of being kind to ourselves.

According to research most of us find it really easy to be kind to others and we find it very difficult to be kind to ourselves.  Yet if we practice self-kindness and compassion in small doses each day it has a cumulative effect of cultivating greater compassion in our lives.  And as we are more compassionate with ourselves we develop a more meaningful experience with being compassionate towards other people.

In the Mindful Self-Compassion training, a program developed by Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, we learn that daily practice of self-compassion can be learned and developed.  There are some easy ways that we can be kind to ourselves each day:

• Taking time to notice the pain that we are experiencing emotionally and then being kind by talking to ourselves like we might talk to a friend.
• We can use a softer, more gentle tone and then perhaps use works that are kind and understanding rather than harsh and self-critical.
• We can also place our hands in a soothing touch, placing them over your heart for instance, and allow ourselves to be soothed by the warmth of our own hands.
• We can take breaks in the day and allow time for relaxation or meditation.  These breaks do not have to be 45 minutes long to receive benefits.  Sometimes just some slow breaths with our hands on our hearts, allowing ourselves to be just who we are in this moment is enough to reduce suffering, even if it is only for that moment.

Each time that we offer ourselves a break to approach any challenge or personal suffering with compassion and kindness reduces stress and allows us to open our hearts more to others and to new experiences.  May you show more compassion in your daily life towards yourself and watch how it grows towards others.